Brian and the Magic Cigarettes

Author: Deementia
Rating: 8 (for language & themes)
Pairing: Stef/Bri
Description: perved up Jack & the Beanstalk

Once upon a time, in far away land called Luxembourg there lived a middle-class young lad by the name of Brian Molko. (Or was he a lass? With all that make-up and girls clothes, no one was really sure.) But anyway, one mostly sunny morning he decided to get rid of his old donkey, who's name was Robert, by taking it into town and selling him. So Brian dragged the stupid jackass, who had a problem with kicking people, namely Brian, to town. On the road just outside the town, he met a jolly-looking fellow, which greatly annoyed Brian. "Hello little girl, I'm Stevie-Beanie." he said, sticking his hand out to shake. Brian smirked inside, he liked it when people mistook him for a girl. "Would you like to buy some magic beans?"
"Do I look like a dumbass? Why would I want any of your fucking beans?" Brian said with his nasal whine, glaring at the man.
"Because they're magic beans."
"Yeah. Right. Whatever. Listen ya got any cigarettes? I'll trade you this donkey for a pack, I am just dying for a smoke."
"Ok, but they're magic cigarettes. Be very careful."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, crackhead. Just give 'em to me." So he traded Robert for a pack of "magic" Marlboro Lights. "Got a light?"
"Um, no." Stevie-Beanie said and waved good-bye, trying to pull the stubborn ass behind him.
"DAMN ! I got smokes but no freakin' light!" Brian screeched and stamped his foot on the ground.
"What a bad fucking day. Jesus Christ, why's it so damn sunny? Where the hell are my sunglasses?"
He reached into his purse looking for them. "Why do I live so far from town? Damn, I'm gonna get a tan, it's too damn sunny. I wish it would rain. No, no then my mascara would run. Why don't I move to the city? I hate fucking farm work." He stormed back home.
As soon as he got there he lit up and went outside to milk the cow. "Fuck, I'm gonna mess up my hair" he muttered, pondering if getting milk was worth it and took a long drag. "God, that's good." He closed his eyes, enjoying the nicotine filling his lungs. He didn't realize he was drifting up to the sky with the smoke until a tree branch snagged on his nylon. "What the FUCK? Put me down!" he commanded, but he continued to rise. "I said put me the fuck back down!" he screamed and thrashed about. When he finally saw that was getting him nowhere (except more tired and his vocal cords hurt) he looked down and decided to enjoy the trip. He rose over his house and all the trees, higher than a kite, past the birds. He could see the town below, getting smaller and smaller and the sun above getting bigger and bigger. "Wow, this is some fucked up shit" he said, gazing in amazement at his cigarette. He rose above the clouds and then as if he hit a glass ceiling he crashed back down, landing on the fluffy clouds, but not falling through. "What did that guy put in these? LSD? Pot? Fuck, this is better than when I injected crack that time." He looked around him in awe. "Wow" The only thing he could see was more clouds and a big castle that arose from them. He gasped and craned his neck trying to see the top of it.
Not wanting to fall through the clouds he cautiously walked to the huge house and banged on the door. "Hey! Let me it. Where the fuck am I? Answer the door, damn it ! HEY! I know you're in there! Open the fuckin' door, bitch!" He jumped up and tried to reach the door knob but his fingers barely grazed it. "Well fuck. Looks like I'm screwed", he plopped down onto the porch step and pouted. "I'm stuck up here in the sky and I'm never gonna get home and I have a pedicure appointment tomorrow and my nylon's got a run." Tears began to trickle down his face. "Fuck" he said, "my eyeliner's gonna get smeared." He carefully blotted his eyes and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Brian took a drag of his cigarette, which strangely enough, had barely burned. He didn't even need to flick off the ashes yet.
He just then noticed a doggie door, next to the regular door. "That's a big damn doggie door." He got up, carefully brushing off the back of his short maroon skirt, and went to investigate it closer. If he crawled, he'd be able to squeeze through. "Well, I need to piss and I'm getting hungry. I'll just go in, if nobody's home then no one will know I was ever here, and if they are here, then I'll cuss them out for being so rude and not answering their damn door." He slithered through the doggie door. "Jeeze, how degrading, I'm not some dirty, flea-bitten, fucking dog," he complained. Just as he opened his mouth to emit another string of expletives he glanced up. Everything was oversized. He could barely see over the table and he'd have to jump to get in the chair. "Hell-ooo" he called out "I need some assistance. Anybody here?"
He waited a few seconds, no answer came, so he walked further into the castle. "Where's the goddamn bathroom? That goddamn bloody mary I had for breakfast is ready to come out. Wait a minute." He stopped and chewed his lower lip. "How the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? If the toilet is as big as the furniture, I'll have to use a friggin' ladder." He spied a potted plant in the corner and relieved himself in it. (ahh, so he really is a boy) "Much better. Now I'm hungry. Where's the kitchen?" He wandered down a hall to a set of swinging doors. It took all his strength to get them open enough for him to slip through, but he'd found the kitchen. "Fuck, the fridge is too big. I can't get that thing open." He was about to throw a tantrum, but then he saw a slightly steaming pot on the stove, Brian decided it was worth a try, so he pushed a big chair over to it, climbed up, and stood up, grabbing the counter as he almost lost his balance and toppled off. "Mmm, Swedish meatballs!" He fished one of the tennisball sized hunks of meat out and hopped down. "Oooh, hot, hot, hot! Whoever lives here is either still around or else they just left, but where the hell is there to go? It's only clouds."
Absent mindedly gnawing on it, he left the kitchen to explore more. All the doors in the hall were shut except one. He started down the long corridor towards it, when he heard the most terrifying sound, a single bark. He slowly turned around. At the other end of the hallway sat a beagle about the size of a lion. Then as if in slow motion, it started bounding towards Brian, gradually building speed, its ears flapping up and down and its huge pink tongue hanging out. "FUCK!" Brian shrieked and ran into the open room, struggling to shut the door, just before the dog got there to give Brian a sloppy kiss, he managed to slam it shut. The dog careened into it, then there was silence. "Oh shit, did I kill it?" Brian clamped his hand over his mouth, slowly backing away, but then he heard wimpering and the click of dog's claws on the floor as he retreated back down the hall dejectedly.
The room of which was he virtually now a prisoner (if he tried to leave he'd be attacked and get slobbered on which would truely be a disaster for his carefully styled hair), luckily turned out to be a bedroom. And a very nice one at that, it had an enormous water bed draped in emerald silk in the center. "Damnnnnn! Me and about five boyfriends could fuck on that thing!" he giggled girlishly. "I wanna lay on it." He took a running leap and landed on something hard. The huge TV across the room flicked on. "JESUS!" he jumped and almost fell off the bed. "Hmm, what do we have here?" On the screen a head bobbed up and down at the bottom of the screen, a well chiseled torso taking up the rest, hands grabbed the head and pushed it down. He picked up the huge remote (which is what he had landed on) and turned the volume up, the sound of two men moaning filled the room. It was like being at a movie theater, the head was almost as big as Brian. He tossed his meatball aside and laid back on the cool, slippery sheets, watching the scene, and began to touch himself. Before he knew it he had cum all over his velvet skirt. "OOPS, fuck" He wiped it off as best as he could on the bedsheet. He forced himself to switch the TV off and move on.
After a fuck like that he needed a cigarette, glancing down at his hand, he saw he still had the other one, which was only about half gone. After the bed, the next thing he was drawn to was the vanity.
"EEEEEEEEE-AH, make-up! My fave!" he squealed with glee. He hopped up on the chair, his feet dangling and barely tall enough to see his whole face in the lit-up mirror. His eyes wide in delight, he rummaged through the many industrial-sized tubes, bottles and compacts. He'd settled on a sparkley pink slipstick when his eyes lit on a tube of shimmery gold lipstick. "This one! Oh, I love it. It's sooooo pretty." He carefully glided it onto his full lips, it went on so smoothly, he french kissed the back of his palm, it didn't rub off. He gazed at himself in the mirror from all angles. "Damn, I'm sexy." He smiled, he pouted, he pursed, he frowned, he put on his best orgasm face. Oh, it was perfect. Then he let out a screech that could wake the dead. It had a matching nail poilsh! His beautiful face fell when he noticed they didn't have any label, where could he buy such an awesome color back home? He knew he couldn't so he did the unthinkable for a nice lady-boy like him, he slipped them into his purse.
Suddently feeling bored and a little guilty he flitted off to the next diversion.
An open cabinet next to the TV caught his eye. His jaw dropped when he saw what was inside.
"VIDEOS!" he screeched delightedly. "My sized PORN videos! This guy must not have an over-sized VCR, how convenient for me." He skimmed the titles. "It won't hurt to take just one, he'll never notice" he rationalized as he slipped a promising looking one entitled "Nancy Boys At The Mall... After Hours" into his purse. "God this place just keeps getting better and better. This guy seems like my kinda man, too bad he's not normal sized. I'd shag him if he was. Oh wait, I bet he's got a huge..." He didn't finish his sentence. He heard a key in the front door, followed by a slam and the sound of heavy footsteps. He spun around looking for a place to hide. He dove under the bed. The footsteps seemed to get closer and then they stopped.
Brian felt around in the semi-darkness for a weapon or something. His hand clasped around something long, cold and cylindrical. "What the fuck?" he whispered. It was a dildo, a footlong fucking golden dildo and it was almost as thick as a baseball bat. "Shit" he squeaked and pulled his hand away, not sure if he wanted to touch it, (he didn't know where the hell that thing had been) but the footsteps resumed. As they got closer he grabbed the dildo, ready to strike anybody that came near him. Actually the dildo felt rather nice in his hands, very realistic, he could just imagine it up his ass, and decided to take it home with him if he ever got out of there alive. Then the door flew open, he peered out. All he saw were a pair of huge black boots. He heard the giant sniff the air and then a voice boomed out:
"FEE FI FO FEEN
I SMELL THE CUM OF A LUXEMBOURGER QUEEN!
I'LL FIND HIM AND FUCK HIM UP THE ASS,
UNLESS HE'S UGLY THEN I'LL PASS!"
Brian stifled a scream and cowered back against the wall. The giant paced around the room and suddenly dropped to the floor, a hand shot under the bed and grabbed Brian by the arm. He was dragged out from his hiding place and picked up by his collar, his feet dangling a few feet off the ground.
"Hey, watch it! This shirt is real silk. Put me down!" He yowled, kicking out, swinging the big dildo. It connected with the giant's forearm and the giant also shrieked (but not nearly as loudly) and dropped Brian. He scrambled to his feet and glared up at the giant (who wasn't that much of a giant. He was only about 3 feet taller than Brian and just as thin.)
"What are you doing under my bed?' the blond giant bellowed. "And why do you have my dildo?"
"I think YOU should tell me what the fuck is going on here. I don't know how the hell I ended up here in the clouds. I just lit up a cig and all of a sudden here I was. I came in just trying to find some fucking assistance and then you barge in here and scare me half to death." He paused to take a puff of his cigarette which was finally almost out. He went on "I knocked and came in through the doggie door because no one answered and I wondered if who ever lived here was oàk, because ya know, there's not exactly many places to go up there in the clouds or whatever." he gasped for breath and continued "You came in here screaming so I just grabbed the first thing handy for a weapon. I thought maybe the house was deserted or you were dead or sick or... I just wanna go home." He started to sniffle and tears welled up in his eyes. Okay, so that's not exactly why but the giant sure did look pissed and Brian didn't want to get fucked up the ass until they at least knew each other a little better. But his excuses must have worked because the giant now looked down guiltily.
"Um, sorry. Just please don't cry." the giant mumbled, awkwardly pattin Brian's head, and then invited him to the kitchen for some Swedish meatballs.
"No thanks, not hungry, but I will come with you and talk. My name is Brian, by the way." He had to practically run to keep up with the giant's long strides, not easy to do in 3 inches platform boots.
"I'm Stefan. So tell me how you got here and maybe we can figure out how to get you back."
"Um, a little help here please." Stefan picked Brian up, gently this time, and set him in a chair at the kitchen table. Brian started to explain how he ended up in the sky.
"Wait, wait, wait. You traded your donkey for a pack of smokes?" Stef interrupted. "Yeah he was an annoying fuck, he kicked a lot. Besides they were magic."
"You could have sold him and bought several packs."
"That's beside the point" Brian said, a bit angry at his actions being questioned. But Stefan let him tell the rest of the story without interruption. Brian gazed at Stefan as the giant thought about his predicament.
"God, he's cute." Brian thought, for once keeping his impressions to himself. He would definitely have to try to get in his pants later. He took one last drag and finally put his cigarette out.
"Maybe if we go outside and look around we'll find a clue." Brian resisted the urge to give Stef his sexiest smile and tell him he was the handsomest genius he'd ever met. As they walked to the door Brian slipped his tiny hand into Stef's. Stefan looked down at him surprised, but didn't pull away.
"HOLY SHIT!" Brian screamed. As soon as his foot left the porch and touched the clouds he started to fall, plunging back down to earth, Stef being pulled down with him. He landed in his cow's pen on his ass with a heavy thud. A bit dazed he just sat there, groaning. A voice calling his name prompted him to get up and look around. Stefan had landed a few feet away.
"Fuck Stef, you've shrunk! You're still a whole head taller than me, but you've definitely gotten shorter." Stef looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings and then at Brian. He started laughing.
Brian HATED being laughed at.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS SO FUNNY?" he steamed.
Stef gasped trying to get his breath back enough to talk. When he had regained some semblance of his composure back, he pointed at Brian and said "You've got cow shit all over your precious silk shirt." Brian looked down at himself. Indeed Stefan was right, he was covered with it, but Brian also started laughing because Stef was too. "I knew I should've moved to the city. Come on, come on in my house, let's get cleaned up and figure out what the fuck just happened."
Brian helped Stef up, realizing he still had the golden dildo in his belt loop where he had thrust it.
"And then we can fuck."


...And that my friends, is how Brian and Stefan met. The whole school in Luxembourg was all made up, I mean, why would a Swede be going to an American private school anyway?...


THE END