Stefan and the VCR

Author: Deementia
Rating:
Pairing: Stef/OC (a VCR)

Steve lounged on his couch with his band mates, Stefan & Brian, sprawled next to him. They'd all consumed more than their fair shared of alcohol (with a few other substances thrown in, both legal and not) and didn't feel like moving. So, all in all, it was a typical Sunday afternoon in Placebo world.
"Hey, is either of you bums gonna get up and rewind the videotape?" Steve moaned. 'Spice World' had ended several minutes earlier. Normally Steve wouldn't have cared but staring at the blue screen for 5 minutes was starting to make his brain ache and his vision blur. Brian told Stefan to do it and shoved him off the couch. Stef stumbled over to the entertainment center and after several jabs managed to hit the eject button.
Brian started giggling madly. "Hey, Stef !"
"Huh?"
"Why the hell do you have a hard on?"
"Wot? Oh" Stef glanced down at himself and dismissively said, "I didn't even notice." But his face flushed when Steve burst out laughing.
"Those Spice Girls are hot, eh? Especially that Posh one." He teased.
"No! Uh... it was... Alan Cumming, he always has that effect on me. I swear."
"Yeah, whatever Steffy. You keep tellin' yourself that." Brian snickered and tried to hide the fact that he was getting hard merely thinking of Stefan hard.
"Stop laughing and help me out then!"
"Wank." Steve & Brian said in unison.
"Come on, puhleeeeeeease Brian. Since when do you turn down free sex?"
"No, I've got a headache." He smiled up at Stefan sweetly. Stef began to pout, but he just didn't do it as well as Brian so no one responded. Seeing Stefan standing next to the waist-high VCR gave Brian an evil idea.
"I know how to help you."
"What, gonna give me a blowjob?"
"No."
"Handjob?"
"Nooooo." Bri smiled devilishly.
"What then?"
"I dare you to fuck that VCR."
"I think not, I'm not THAT desperate, unlike SOME people," Stef snorted with derision. It'd been nearly a year since Brian's run in with his refrigerator, even longer since the toaster incident, but Steve & Stef always took the opportunity to remind Brian of it. His cock was pretty much back to normal so no more fucking appliances for him, he'd learned his lesson well enough. He was always up for seeing other people doing it though.
"I'll let you take me if you do it, any way you want."
Stef thought about it for all of three seconds, the dropped his trousers. Steve groaned and pressed his face into the couch cushion.
Stef sighed and thrust his cock into the video cassette slot. A message popped up on the television screen, "Invalid cassette, please eject and try again." Stefan pulled out, the message disappeared. He pushed back in, the message flashed back on.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he shook his head sadly and flipped the power off.
"Neither can I," came a muffled reply from Steve.
"I CAN!" Brian shrieked and bounced up and down on his perch atop Steve's ass. "Too bad it doesn't talk!"
"So how long do I have to do this before we fuck?"
"Till you cum!"
Steve leaped up, dumping Brian off. "NO! NO! No one will be getting any cum in my VCR!"
Stef just kept pumping away, starting to really get into it.
"UH! Buuuuut Steeeeevieeeeeee..." Brian whined and pounced on Steve's back.
"NO, he'll just have to pull out before he shoots."
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, yeah baby! Oooh nice." Stefan had his eyes closed, imagining Alan Cumming, no doubt.
"Well, you're no fun!" Brian bit Steve's neck playfully.
"Owww DAMN, your teeth are bloody sharp!" Steve pulled Brian off and began tickling him. "I am so fun, I'm lots of fun!" They tumbled around on the floor. It was at times like that - rolling around together, gruntling and panting, arms entangled - that Brian questionned Steve's claims to straighteness.
"Oh Stevie, I never knew you felt this way about me." Brian's smart mouth and the grope he gave Steve's ass made Steve double his attack.
"Not a chance, fruitcake."
Stefan was oblivious to all but the bliss of the VCR, which he was pounding hard now. "Oh god YES!"
"Stop iiiiiiiiiiit!" Brian gasped.
"Oooooooh FUCK!" Stefan groaned, but not in pleasure this time.
"See? I'm way fun. I just don't want my VCR to be ruined." Steve defended himself. "How'd I explain that to my girlfriend?"
"Hey, guys..." Steve had started tickling Brian again, neither noticed Stefan had stopped fucking the VCR, his face frozen in horror.
"Mercy, MERCY! I give up!" Brian shrieked as Steve pinned him on the floor.
"HEY!" Brian & Steve stopped laughing abruptly and gaped at Stefan. "Help... please."
"What's wrong Steffy, the VCR roll over and fall asleep?"
"I'm stuck!"
"Holy hell, how'd that happen?" They both scrambled to their feet and rushed to Stef's side.
"I uh... guess I swelled or something."
"Don't fuck with me Stef. You can't be stuck in my VCR." Steve slowly shook his head in disbelief.
"I'm not joking, I'm really stuck. I guess I got a little too enthusiastic."
Brian burst out laughing, doubled over.
"Would you just shut up and help me? This is all your fault anyway!"
"Just cum and you'll shrivel up again."
"I can't move at all, dumbass." Steve & Brian grasped him around the waist and tried to pull him out, but had to stop when Stef complained that the skin of his cock was being ripped off. They tried to lube him up, to no avail. They tried to take apart the VCR but since none of them were very mechanical, they couldn't figure out how to get it open. They phoned Bill, but he didn't answer his mobile.
"I've got an idea! We could just wait until you get soft again. Just think of the queen in her knickers or your mom or something."
Steve and Brian sunk onto the couch and stared at him, fidgeting with anticipation.
"I'm sorry, it's just not working."
"Why not?"
"You guys are here," Stef confessed. "It's actually making me harder." Steve looked disgusted, Brian looked delighted.
"Well, we could leave."
Just then, Steve's phone rang. He stepped out while Brian & Stef tried to think of another plan.
"It's starting to get numb Bri, I'm scared. My weewee is gonna fall off." Tears began to trickle down Stef's cheeks.
Then Steve burst in, "You better figure something out soon! Gertrude Mavis will be back in 15 minutes."
"Oh, that's a good plan. She'd make any man go soft for sure." Brian tittered at his own joke, Stef just kept crying, Steve chose to ignore the insult of his girlfriend and set about to unplugging the VCR.
"We gotta get you out of here or she'll kill me."
"Well, what then? Is he gonna have to carry around a VCR in his trousers for ever? Oh, the fan ficcers would love that!"
"I'm gonna die," Stef sobbed harder.
"Go to the hospital then."
"Nooooooooooo! Please no."
"Have you got a better suggestion?"
Stef shook his head miserably and picked up the VCR.
"Okay then, have fun guys." Steve tried to push them towards the door.
"Oh no-no Stevie, you're coming too, it's your VCR. Call Gertie and tell her you had to go to the emergency room cuz Stef's ill or something."
"I knew I should've gotten a DVD player,self pity" Steve said grumpily as he punched in his girlfriend's number.They managed to get Stef's trousers up and fastened, get a cab, and pretend that Stef was just holding a VCR in his lap as they rode to the hospital in silence.

***

The nurse didn't ask how it happened, just smirked. It was obvious. She'd seen some strange cases of people copulating with foreign objects and getting into trouble before, but Stef's was by far most amusing.
"See Ste, this isn't too bad. You only have to stay here for a night." Brian tried to comfort Stef after she'd left them.
"Yeah, whatever." Stef leaned back on the bed and shut his eyes, trying to block the memory of the past day.
It'd taken the doctors a couple of hours to figure out how to extract his manhood from the VCR and a couple hours more to poke and prod him to make sure there wouldn't be any permanent damage. He was bandaged but sore, the pain killers didn't seem to be helping much at all. Now Steve & Brian wouldn't leave him alone to wself-pityand dwell on his gauze covered cock. Worst of all, Bill was there too and he had to re-tell the entire story, much to Bill's bemusement.
"Hey Brian, you still owe me a fuck!"
"No way Steffy, no deal. You never came."

THE END

Brian and the fridge

Author: Deementia
Rating:
Pairing: Brian/OC (a fridge)
Description: We've had requests for fridge fucking, so here goes...

The toaster burns on Brian's cock had finally healed, after several weeks the scars were barely noticeable. He was able to control his horny self until the swelling had completely gone down (well, he tried a handjob once and the pain was enough to turn him off to that for quite a long time). Steve's reaction to what Brian had done was to find it immensely funny, but Stef was at least a little sympathetic. Since the incident he was especially kind to Brian, taking care to make him feel loved and appreciated. Never the less, Brian was still as lonely as ever, and now he didn't even have anyone to talk to when his bandmates weren't around. He tried conversing with the other appliances but they just stood there, unresponsive, so when he saw the talking refrigerator on The Home Shopping Channel, he just had to order it. Brian was so excited he had it delivered the next day. He couldn't get out of the huge box and hooked up fast enough.
"Hell-ooo! I'm Brian." He said to the pristine white appliance. It didn't reply. He tried again, 'I said hello, yes you, refrigerator. I'm talking to you." No answer, he was begining to get irate. "Hey, dumbfuck, how come you ain't talkin? Motherfucking piece of shit!" He smacked it, he kicked it, he pouted at it. Still no answer, so he did the unthinkable, he read the directions.
"Oh, I have to turn you on. How kinky!" He felt around the back, sure enough as soon as he hit the switch the icebox said "Hello, I am model #52-F 6394 B81 VM4Q57935 T5. I'm your new refrigerator. Would you like to refrigerate something?"
"Um, whatever. I'm Brian." He pulled a chair up so he could sit next to it, eyeing it up. "You're pretty cute. So pale. You're kinda big for my taste. I usually don't go for the stocky type, but you'll do. So what do you like to do?" He ran his fingers over the cool metal frame.
"I like to keep things cold. Do you have anything you need to keep cold?"
"Hmm, that's nice. Where are you from?"
"The GE plant in Indiana. I have a butter compartment, do you have any butter?"
"Oh, wow, so you're not from around here. Do you have any kinky sex fantasies?"
"No. Do you need anything frozen? How about some ice? I can make both crushed and cubed."
"Oh, too bad. I like handcuffs, and buttplugs, and whips, and dildos, and cockrings." This gave him an interesting idea. He's recently gotten a new whip and hadn't gotten a chance to try it out yet. The refrigerator was about the height of a person. Hmm... A few minutes later he returned with a cat'o'nine tails, wearing only a leather thong and nipple clamps.
He brought the whip down hard on the side of the refrigerator, it screeched in surprise. Edged on by its cries, Brian repeated the action, lashing it harder and faster, again and again, until he was in a frenzy. He even dented the side a bit.
"Wow, all that dominating made me pretty horny." He looked around for an orifice to fuck, doing other stuff was much better than using his hand. It left them free for other things. Hmm, the blender? Nah, he liked his cock and wanted to keep it whole. The popcorn popper? No, orifice too big. Electric can opener? Nope, no orifices. He eyed the new fridge's ice maker speculatively. Hmm, no, too dangerous, there was ice chopping blades up there. He was about to give up on finding a kitchen appliance when he had an idea. The space between lower door and the upper freezer door was just the right size for a cock, but it was a little high up. He stood on the chair, the perfect height for penetration. He lubed up with some cooking oil, and pushed himslef into the tight space. "Ooooooo" was all Brian could say as he slid in and out. The refrigerator didn't know what to think, nothing in its computer had prepared it for this. He thrust a finger into his ass, his other hand roamed over his chest, pulling on his nipple clamps. His rythmic pounding made the fridge shake and the chair wobble. Brian was so into the feeling as he started to come, he lost his footing. He felt himself falling, but he thought it was just the orgasm until he hit the floor. His cock hurt worse than he could've ever imagined.
"Oh, shit, no-oo-oo" He was afraid to look down, but forced himself to assess the damage. His dicl was still partially hard and bent at a weird angle, already turning black & blue. He tried to sit up, he moaned and fell back to the floor, pain shooting all through him. God, he did it again, he went and injured his cock. He didn't think he could last another 3 to 4 weeks without sex.
"Some of that ice would be really nice right now." The icebox immediately started spitting out ice cubes. Brian gingerly touched one to his bruised manhood, the shock made him jump about four feet off the ground, but that was nothing compared to the shock Steve and Stef got as they walked in and found Brian sprawled, naked and groaning, on the kitchen floor.

THE END

Brian and the talking toaster

Author: Deementia
Rating:
Pairing: Brian/OC (a toaster)
Description: This is, no doubt, the stranger story I have ever written, lack of sleep being my only excuse.

Brian was all dressed up, his make-up perfectly applied, his hair plastered in place, but he had nowhere to go. He sunk down on the couch and idly flipped through the TV channels, for the fourth time in about 20 minutes. He was so bored. Being off tour and at home in a small London suburb made him very restless. Stef was off in the US visiting friends and Steve was spending time with his daughter and girlfriend and all of his other friends were busy or weren't home or whatever. THe weather was horrible and the bar wasn't open yet. He switched the TV off and looked at his records, nothing seemed to fit his mood, he'd listened to them all a million times. He didn't want to go shopping without anyone to show his pontential purchases to, he'd read his few books so often he could quote passages from them, he'd seen all videos at the rental store at least once, the good ones several times. He wandered around his house aimlessly, finally landing in a chair in his kitchen with a sigh. What he really needed was a mate, a lover, someone he could call on to just talk, someone he could hang with and not feel the need to go out and do anything, someone who was more than just one night stand. His dull throb in his cock seemed to be a permanent reminder of his loneliness. He repeatedly banged his forehead on the table in frustration.
"Master, what's wrong? Do you need some toast?" An electronic voice piped up.
"NO." He glanced at the toaster sitting on the counter.
"Toast will make you feel better." It had come to life, its motor warming up.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Why don't you ever want toast?"
"Because I don't ever need any." He was tired and the small appliance was grating on his nerves.
"You go away for so long and when you finally come back you completely ignore me. Please have toast at least once."
"I don't fucking like toast." His voice started to rise and wavered.
"Then why do you have a talking toaster? I can make it dark and burned to a crisp or I can make it light. While, on the lightest setting you could stick your hand inside and not get burnt. And toasted pasteries? I'm perfect for..." Brian cut it off.
"You were a fucking gift. Now will you just shut up?" He practically screamed at it.
"Why, I'm even extra wide for bagels, fat waffles and English muffins."
"I don't want any goddamn things toasted, OK? Don't make me come over there and unplug you!"
It began to sniffle and sob. Brian threw a magazine at it, knocking it dangerously close to the sink. This made it cry harder. Trembling with anger, Brian slowly pushed himself up, the need to vent all his frustrations on something overtaking him, the annoying toaster being a perfect victim. He yanked the plug out of the wall, oblivious to its pleas and promises to quit bothering him. He was about to smash it against the wall, when an interesting thought crossed his mind. Extra wide slots, huh?
Perfect width, a little shallow, but damn close. He set the toaster back down and replugged it in, pressing the lever down, flipping the 'darkness' knob to the lightest possible setting.
"Oh, good! You didn't smash me! And you want some toast ! What a lucky day."
Brian just giggled as he unzipped his pants. What could only be described as fear crept into the toaster's voice as it realized Brian wasn't gonna put bread in it.
"Master, I don't think this is a good idea."
"Shut up." Brian growled, rubbing his shaft, making it harden in his hand. "Or I'll turn you off for good."
The toaster was torn between wanting to be used and being scared for his owner's safety.
"This could be considered rape, you know."
"I said shut up." Brian's hand shot out toward the plug.
"OK! OK! I'll be quiet."
Brian slowly sunk his cock into the slot. It felt sooooo good, so warm, just like a tight ass. He thrust faster, making the springs inside squeak and the wires rattle. The toaster muffled his cries, glad to at least be turned on again. Brian was thrusting in and out very fast, his white fingers gripping the black metal, his mind was a blur, coherant thoughts slipping away. He didn't even notice as his hand bumped against the darkness knob, switching from barely light brown to burnt crispy black. He didn't even hear the toaster's warning. His orgasm overtook him and his cum burst into the toaster, only as his orgasm swiftly subsided did he noticed that his cock was burning and not with ecstasy. He pulled out, his member was bright red, already beginning to blister.
"OHMYGOD" he shrieked, rushing to the sink, turning the cold water on full blast, dousing his scorched flesh. He had never been in this much pain in his life before, that icy water didn't even seem to faze the searing sting at all. Behind him, a sizzling pop-pop sound started to eminate from the toaster and it began to shake, the computer's voice panicking and crying for help, then it went silent, a few long seconds later it suddently blew up, covering the wall and counter with black soot, but Brian had a much more pressing problem. He stood there for what seemed like days, the water streaming over his cock, tears streaming down his face, causing his eye make-up to run. When the fire had finally cooled down a little, he gingerly smeared aloe all over it and wrapping it in gauze. "Oh fuck what have I done?' he said aloud. How was he supposed to pee? More importantly, how was he supposed to fuck? It would take days, maybe even weeks to heal. He couldn't even go two fucking days without at least a hand job, how could he last weeks? He sat down on the edge of his bed, extremely careful not to bump his tender dick.
He let out a long, low, painful groan and flopped backwards when something very scary flashed into his mind, something that pained more than his charred cock ever did. How was he going to explain this to Stef and Steve? Just then the doorbell rang, Stefan's voice sang out 'Bri-AN! Tis me! I have returned early and I come baring a gift of Ste-EVE!" This was, no doubt, the worst day of his fucking life.

THE END

Brian and the Magic Cigarettes

Author: Deementia
Rating: 8 (for language & themes)
Pairing: Stef/Bri
Description: perved up Jack & the Beanstalk

Once upon a time, in far away land called Luxembourg there lived a middle-class young lad by the name of Brian Molko. (Or was he a lass? With all that make-up and girls clothes, no one was really sure.) But anyway, one mostly sunny morning he decided to get rid of his old donkey, who's name was Robert, by taking it into town and selling him. So Brian dragged the stupid jackass, who had a problem with kicking people, namely Brian, to town. On the road just outside the town, he met a jolly-looking fellow, which greatly annoyed Brian. "Hello little girl, I'm Stevie-Beanie." he said, sticking his hand out to shake. Brian smirked inside, he liked it when people mistook him for a girl. "Would you like to buy some magic beans?"
"Do I look like a dumbass? Why would I want any of your fucking beans?" Brian said with his nasal whine, glaring at the man.
"Because they're magic beans."
"Yeah. Right. Whatever. Listen ya got any cigarettes? I'll trade you this donkey for a pack, I am just dying for a smoke."
"Ok, but they're magic cigarettes. Be very careful."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, crackhead. Just give 'em to me." So he traded Robert for a pack of "magic" Marlboro Lights. "Got a light?"
"Um, no." Stevie-Beanie said and waved good-bye, trying to pull the stubborn ass behind him.
"DAMN ! I got smokes but no freakin' light!" Brian screeched and stamped his foot on the ground.
"What a bad fucking day. Jesus Christ, why's it so damn sunny? Where the hell are my sunglasses?"
He reached into his purse looking for them. "Why do I live so far from town? Damn, I'm gonna get a tan, it's too damn sunny. I wish it would rain. No, no then my mascara would run. Why don't I move to the city? I hate fucking farm work." He stormed back home.
As soon as he got there he lit up and went outside to milk the cow. "Fuck, I'm gonna mess up my hair" he muttered, pondering if getting milk was worth it and took a long drag. "God, that's good." He closed his eyes, enjoying the nicotine filling his lungs. He didn't realize he was drifting up to the sky with the smoke until a tree branch snagged on his nylon. "What the FUCK? Put me down!" he commanded, but he continued to rise. "I said put me the fuck back down!" he screamed and thrashed about. When he finally saw that was getting him nowhere (except more tired and his vocal cords hurt) he looked down and decided to enjoy the trip. He rose over his house and all the trees, higher than a kite, past the birds. He could see the town below, getting smaller and smaller and the sun above getting bigger and bigger. "Wow, this is some fucked up shit" he said, gazing in amazement at his cigarette. He rose above the clouds and then as if he hit a glass ceiling he crashed back down, landing on the fluffy clouds, but not falling through. "What did that guy put in these? LSD? Pot? Fuck, this is better than when I injected crack that time." He looked around him in awe. "Wow" The only thing he could see was more clouds and a big castle that arose from them. He gasped and craned his neck trying to see the top of it.
Not wanting to fall through the clouds he cautiously walked to the huge house and banged on the door. "Hey! Let me it. Where the fuck am I? Answer the door, damn it ! HEY! I know you're in there! Open the fuckin' door, bitch!" He jumped up and tried to reach the door knob but his fingers barely grazed it. "Well fuck. Looks like I'm screwed", he plopped down onto the porch step and pouted. "I'm stuck up here in the sky and I'm never gonna get home and I have a pedicure appointment tomorrow and my nylon's got a run." Tears began to trickle down his face. "Fuck" he said, "my eyeliner's gonna get smeared." He carefully blotted his eyes and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Brian took a drag of his cigarette, which strangely enough, had barely burned. He didn't even need to flick off the ashes yet.
He just then noticed a doggie door, next to the regular door. "That's a big damn doggie door." He got up, carefully brushing off the back of his short maroon skirt, and went to investigate it closer. If he crawled, he'd be able to squeeze through. "Well, I need to piss and I'm getting hungry. I'll just go in, if nobody's home then no one will know I was ever here, and if they are here, then I'll cuss them out for being so rude and not answering their damn door." He slithered through the doggie door. "Jeeze, how degrading, I'm not some dirty, flea-bitten, fucking dog," he complained. Just as he opened his mouth to emit another string of expletives he glanced up. Everything was oversized. He could barely see over the table and he'd have to jump to get in the chair. "Hell-ooo" he called out "I need some assistance. Anybody here?"
He waited a few seconds, no answer came, so he walked further into the castle. "Where's the goddamn bathroom? That goddamn bloody mary I had for breakfast is ready to come out. Wait a minute." He stopped and chewed his lower lip. "How the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? If the toilet is as big as the furniture, I'll have to use a friggin' ladder." He spied a potted plant in the corner and relieved himself in it. (ahh, so he really is a boy) "Much better. Now I'm hungry. Where's the kitchen?" He wandered down a hall to a set of swinging doors. It took all his strength to get them open enough for him to slip through, but he'd found the kitchen. "Fuck, the fridge is too big. I can't get that thing open." He was about to throw a tantrum, but then he saw a slightly steaming pot on the stove, Brian decided it was worth a try, so he pushed a big chair over to it, climbed up, and stood up, grabbing the counter as he almost lost his balance and toppled off. "Mmm, Swedish meatballs!" He fished one of the tennisball sized hunks of meat out and hopped down. "Oooh, hot, hot, hot! Whoever lives here is either still around or else they just left, but where the hell is there to go? It's only clouds."
Absent mindedly gnawing on it, he left the kitchen to explore more. All the doors in the hall were shut except one. He started down the long corridor towards it, when he heard the most terrifying sound, a single bark. He slowly turned around. At the other end of the hallway sat a beagle about the size of a lion. Then as if in slow motion, it started bounding towards Brian, gradually building speed, its ears flapping up and down and its huge pink tongue hanging out. "FUCK!" Brian shrieked and ran into the open room, struggling to shut the door, just before the dog got there to give Brian a sloppy kiss, he managed to slam it shut. The dog careened into it, then there was silence. "Oh shit, did I kill it?" Brian clamped his hand over his mouth, slowly backing away, but then he heard wimpering and the click of dog's claws on the floor as he retreated back down the hall dejectedly.
The room of which was he virtually now a prisoner (if he tried to leave he'd be attacked and get slobbered on which would truely be a disaster for his carefully styled hair), luckily turned out to be a bedroom. And a very nice one at that, it had an enormous water bed draped in emerald silk in the center. "Damnnnnn! Me and about five boyfriends could fuck on that thing!" he giggled girlishly. "I wanna lay on it." He took a running leap and landed on something hard. The huge TV across the room flicked on. "JESUS!" he jumped and almost fell off the bed. "Hmm, what do we have here?" On the screen a head bobbed up and down at the bottom of the screen, a well chiseled torso taking up the rest, hands grabbed the head and pushed it down. He picked up the huge remote (which is what he had landed on) and turned the volume up, the sound of two men moaning filled the room. It was like being at a movie theater, the head was almost as big as Brian. He tossed his meatball aside and laid back on the cool, slippery sheets, watching the scene, and began to touch himself. Before he knew it he had cum all over his velvet skirt. "OOPS, fuck" He wiped it off as best as he could on the bedsheet. He forced himself to switch the TV off and move on.
After a fuck like that he needed a cigarette, glancing down at his hand, he saw he still had the other one, which was only about half gone. After the bed, the next thing he was drawn to was the vanity.
"EEEEEEEEE-AH, make-up! My fave!" he squealed with glee. He hopped up on the chair, his feet dangling and barely tall enough to see his whole face in the lit-up mirror. His eyes wide in delight, he rummaged through the many industrial-sized tubes, bottles and compacts. He'd settled on a sparkley pink slipstick when his eyes lit on a tube of shimmery gold lipstick. "This one! Oh, I love it. It's sooooo pretty." He carefully glided it onto his full lips, it went on so smoothly, he french kissed the back of his palm, it didn't rub off. He gazed at himself in the mirror from all angles. "Damn, I'm sexy." He smiled, he pouted, he pursed, he frowned, he put on his best orgasm face. Oh, it was perfect. Then he let out a screech that could wake the dead. It had a matching nail poilsh! His beautiful face fell when he noticed they didn't have any label, where could he buy such an awesome color back home? He knew he couldn't so he did the unthinkable for a nice lady-boy like him, he slipped them into his purse.
Suddently feeling bored and a little guilty he flitted off to the next diversion.
An open cabinet next to the TV caught his eye. His jaw dropped when he saw what was inside.
"VIDEOS!" he screeched delightedly. "My sized PORN videos! This guy must not have an over-sized VCR, how convenient for me." He skimmed the titles. "It won't hurt to take just one, he'll never notice" he rationalized as he slipped a promising looking one entitled "Nancy Boys At The Mall... After Hours" into his purse. "God this place just keeps getting better and better. This guy seems like my kinda man, too bad he's not normal sized. I'd shag him if he was. Oh wait, I bet he's got a huge..." He didn't finish his sentence. He heard a key in the front door, followed by a slam and the sound of heavy footsteps. He spun around looking for a place to hide. He dove under the bed. The footsteps seemed to get closer and then they stopped.
Brian felt around in the semi-darkness for a weapon or something. His hand clasped around something long, cold and cylindrical. "What the fuck?" he whispered. It was a dildo, a footlong fucking golden dildo and it was almost as thick as a baseball bat. "Shit" he squeaked and pulled his hand away, not sure if he wanted to touch it, (he didn't know where the hell that thing had been) but the footsteps resumed. As they got closer he grabbed the dildo, ready to strike anybody that came near him. Actually the dildo felt rather nice in his hands, very realistic, he could just imagine it up his ass, and decided to take it home with him if he ever got out of there alive. Then the door flew open, he peered out. All he saw were a pair of huge black boots. He heard the giant sniff the air and then a voice boomed out:
"FEE FI FO FEEN
I SMELL THE CUM OF A LUXEMBOURGER QUEEN!
I'LL FIND HIM AND FUCK HIM UP THE ASS,
UNLESS HE'S UGLY THEN I'LL PASS!"
Brian stifled a scream and cowered back against the wall. The giant paced around the room and suddenly dropped to the floor, a hand shot under the bed and grabbed Brian by the arm. He was dragged out from his hiding place and picked up by his collar, his feet dangling a few feet off the ground.
"Hey, watch it! This shirt is real silk. Put me down!" He yowled, kicking out, swinging the big dildo. It connected with the giant's forearm and the giant also shrieked (but not nearly as loudly) and dropped Brian. He scrambled to his feet and glared up at the giant (who wasn't that much of a giant. He was only about 3 feet taller than Brian and just as thin.)
"What are you doing under my bed?' the blond giant bellowed. "And why do you have my dildo?"
"I think YOU should tell me what the fuck is going on here. I don't know how the hell I ended up here in the clouds. I just lit up a cig and all of a sudden here I was. I came in just trying to find some fucking assistance and then you barge in here and scare me half to death." He paused to take a puff of his cigarette which was finally almost out. He went on "I knocked and came in through the doggie door because no one answered and I wondered if who ever lived here was oàk, because ya know, there's not exactly many places to go up there in the clouds or whatever." he gasped for breath and continued "You came in here screaming so I just grabbed the first thing handy for a weapon. I thought maybe the house was deserted or you were dead or sick or... I just wanna go home." He started to sniffle and tears welled up in his eyes. Okay, so that's not exactly why but the giant sure did look pissed and Brian didn't want to get fucked up the ass until they at least knew each other a little better. But his excuses must have worked because the giant now looked down guiltily.
"Um, sorry. Just please don't cry." the giant mumbled, awkwardly pattin Brian's head, and then invited him to the kitchen for some Swedish meatballs.
"No thanks, not hungry, but I will come with you and talk. My name is Brian, by the way." He had to practically run to keep up with the giant's long strides, not easy to do in 3 inches platform boots.
"I'm Stefan. So tell me how you got here and maybe we can figure out how to get you back."
"Um, a little help here please." Stefan picked Brian up, gently this time, and set him in a chair at the kitchen table. Brian started to explain how he ended up in the sky.
"Wait, wait, wait. You traded your donkey for a pack of smokes?" Stef interrupted. "Yeah he was an annoying fuck, he kicked a lot. Besides they were magic."
"You could have sold him and bought several packs."
"That's beside the point" Brian said, a bit angry at his actions being questioned. But Stefan let him tell the rest of the story without interruption. Brian gazed at Stefan as the giant thought about his predicament.
"God, he's cute." Brian thought, for once keeping his impressions to himself. He would definitely have to try to get in his pants later. He took one last drag and finally put his cigarette out.
"Maybe if we go outside and look around we'll find a clue." Brian resisted the urge to give Stef his sexiest smile and tell him he was the handsomest genius he'd ever met. As they walked to the door Brian slipped his tiny hand into Stef's. Stefan looked down at him surprised, but didn't pull away.
"HOLY SHIT!" Brian screamed. As soon as his foot left the porch and touched the clouds he started to fall, plunging back down to earth, Stef being pulled down with him. He landed in his cow's pen on his ass with a heavy thud. A bit dazed he just sat there, groaning. A voice calling his name prompted him to get up and look around. Stefan had landed a few feet away.
"Fuck Stef, you've shrunk! You're still a whole head taller than me, but you've definitely gotten shorter." Stef looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings and then at Brian. He started laughing.
Brian HATED being laughed at.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS SO FUNNY?" he steamed.
Stef gasped trying to get his breath back enough to talk. When he had regained some semblance of his composure back, he pointed at Brian and said "You've got cow shit all over your precious silk shirt." Brian looked down at himself. Indeed Stefan was right, he was covered with it, but Brian also started laughing because Stef was too. "I knew I should've moved to the city. Come on, come on in my house, let's get cleaned up and figure out what the fuck just happened."
Brian helped Stef up, realizing he still had the golden dildo in his belt loop where he had thrust it.
"And then we can fuck."


...And that my friends, is how Brian and Stefan met. The whole school in Luxembourg was all made up, I mean, why would a Swede be going to an American private school anyway?...


THE END